Hoover & Associates Mental Health Services » General Information

Spring Cleaning with a Twist – Refresh Your Relationships

admin — Thu, 19 Apr 2012 20:56:56 +0000

Springtime is here, complete with all the symbols of renewal and re-growth. There is spring cleaning, planting, opening of windows to let the fresh air in and tuning up bicycles to greet the fresh air on it’s own turf.

Refresh Your Relationships

Did I mention spring cleaning?! Ah yes, the joys of dusting and washing and polishing and renovating in the places we call Home. But what about spring cleaning the Home of our relationships? How do we dust and wash, polish and renovate our relationships when they have collected the debris of communication problems or ruts in emotional intimacy?

So, rather than focus on spring cleaning tips for the household (which we all know and love to avoid!), how about if we talk a bit about spring cleaning our communication in relationships? Because this is a broad topic, I’ll focus on one of the foundations of effective communication: healthy problem-solving strategies.

Problem-Solving Strategies

How you think about a problem is more important than the problem itself – so always think positively.

- Norman Vincent Peale

Healthy problem-solving is a foundation because it can be applied to so many situations and can solidify the sense of connection and respect in relationships. In The Power of Two: Secrets to a Strong & Loving Marriage, author Susan Heitler, Ph.D. talks about a five-step process of problem-solving in relationships:

Listen to your feelings, which indicate problems and preferences
Describe the dilemma, the situation that troubles you
Make a request, suggesting at least one solution that would help
Listen to the response, to understand your spouse’s (or other loved one’s) concern
Devise a solution, that works for both of you

It’s Worth It!

I imagine that some of you are thinking, “Yeah, right. It would be easier to do spring cleaning in ten households than accomplish those five points!” No one said it’s easy, but it is so worth it in the long run when you and those you love make a habit out of this process. Obviously, inherent in the strategy is respectful words and tone of communication.

Most people spend more time and energy going around problems than in trying to solve them.

- Henry Ford

Spring cleaning communication through problem solving strategies does take time and effort, but aren’t our relationships worth it? Not only do these strategies support healthy connection and respect, when using them we are being resilient and effective role models for any little ones in the home. And, as most of us know through experience, avoiding problem-solving can lead to much bigger problems down the road.

Family Problem Solving Worksheet

A wonderful tool to model healthy problem solving is the Family Problem Solving worksheet in Skills Training for Children with Behavior Disorders: A Parent and Therapist Guidebook by Michael L. Bloomquist. (Don’t be scared off by the book’s name, by the way, because there’s lots to learn from it even for families in which the children do not have behavior disorders!)

Remember to stay in the ‘here and now’ (no criticisms about old stuff) and use healthy words and tone. The following guideline can be used for couples or the whole family, and involve using a worksheet to follow the steps:

1. Stop!! What is the problem we are having?

Approach the problem with openness and avoid blaming individuals. Instead, focus on the way in which interactions as a whole are causing problems. Specifically identify the problem so everyone agrees.

2. What are some plans we can use?

Brainstorm as many alternative plans as possible, without criticism to any ideas. Write them all down and don’t discuss solutions until completely done generating possible plans.

3. What is the best plan we could use?

Think about how each plan could be implemented, how each person would feel and what likely outcomes would be for each plan. Choose the plan that is most likely to succeed toward the goal and make most family members feel ok with the option. Try to reach an agreement by most or all family members if possible.

4. Do the plan.

Put the chosen plan into play as best as possible. If needed, set up a timeframe for using a particular solution. Do not criticize the plan or each other once it is implemented.

5. Did our plan work?

Evaluate the plan, and see if everyone is satisfied with the way the problem was solved. If the plan you tried did not work, go through the process again and choose another possible solutions.

Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless.

– Mother Theresa of Calcutta

Spring cleaning? Not so bad! Gather your bucket of kindness, polish your smile, dust away the cobwebs of indifference, and put the shine back in your eyes. Approach those you love with open ears and an open mind. And then dive into the challenging but fulfilling work of assertive communication and healthy problem solving.

By Dr. Carolyn Nowakowski PsyD, LCP

Women's Issues

admin — Mon, 01 Feb 2010 04:35:03 +0000

Both men and women certainly have stressors inherent in living busy lives, trying to manage all the things that come their way. Women, with the challenge of balancing many roles and with typically being raised to be caretaking, sometimes feel pulled in many different directions to meet the needs of others. To manage all the stressors while also nurturing herself is a difficult balance at times.

Women are twice as likely as men to be diagnosed with depression. Self-esteem issues, lack of assertiveness, and negative thoughts can contribute to depression. Expectations women have about how they look and act can contribute to eating problems, relationship problems, and poor self-image. In addition, hormone changes can play a role in altering mood.

Therapy can allow women a safe place to discuss worries and fears, and it can provide assistance with identifying and working on goals. Building patterns of healthy action in relationships, along with making self-care a priority, can help with a more satisfying lifestyle.

Stress

admin — Sun, 31 Jan 2010 21:34:04 +0000

Stress often refers to physical, emotional or psychological strain or tension. Many, if not most, people say they feel “stressed” from time to time. However, some people feel a greater than average level of stress which their usual ways of coping are unable to handle.

Therapy can help people manage or reduce the sources of their stress and learn better ways of handling it. The benefits of coping effectively with stress include improved physical and psychological health, better relationships with others, and feeling more satisfied with the quality of everyday life.

Social Anxiety

admin — Sun, 31 Jan 2010 21:33:07 +0000

Social anxiety, also called social phobia, is an intense fear of becoming humiliated in social situations, specifically of embarrassing yourself in front of other people. It often runs in families and may be accompanied by depression, alcoholism, or other anxiety disorders. Social phobia often begins around early adolescence or even younger.

Smoking

admin — Sun, 31 Jan 2010 21:32:03 +0000

Smoking remains one of the most addictive and unhealthy habits. Breaking the smoking habit is difficult but rewarding. Research indicates that a combination of approaches including social support, reduction in nicotine dependency through several means, relaxation training and self-hypnosis seems to work best. The more often a person attempts to quit, the more likely they are to eventually succeed. The typical ex-smoker tried to quit many times before finally succeeding. Don’t give up; you can beat the cigarette habit.

Sexual, Physical, and Psychological Abuse

admin — Sun, 31 Jan 2010 21:31:11 +0000

Sexual and physical abuse during childhood or adulthood can have significant impact on people’s views of themselves, the world and the future. Without an early sense of security, people are often left feeling distrustful, inferior, and alone. In addition, there is often a secrecy about abuse in childhood, and this leaves adult victims of abuse feeling stigmatized and different from others. Often, children blame themselves for abuse, and carry a view of themselves as “bad,” “worthless” or “undeserving” into adulthood. This can negatively impact how people act in relationships, sometimes replaying the same patterns in adult relationships that they experienced in childhood. Adults who were abused may have more of a tendency toward self-destructive actions, such as substance abuse, unhealthy relationships, and sabotaging any successes that they may be capable of. Depression is a common outcome of childhood abuse.

Sexual Identity Issues

admin — Sun, 31 Jan 2010 21:30:03 +0000

Although a majority of people identify as heterosexual, many have different sexual preferences. People who identify as homosexual or bisexual often experience rejection and discrimination by the mainstream culture. Coping with the response of many in the culture to a minority sexual orientation can bring many difficulties, including problems with one’s own self-acceptance, and whether and when to share one’s sexual identity with family members or other important people in one’s life.

Clinicians sensitive to these issues can help navigate the sometimes rough waters of accepting one’s sexual identity and adapting to an environment that may sometimes be hostile to differences.

Procrastination

admin — Sun, 31 Jan 2010 21:28:52 +0000

Procrastination is the tendency to “put things off” until the last minute. Although we are all “guilty” of this occasionally, it is a way of life for some people. In those cases, procrastination is often a sign of a larger problem, such as with attention or with mood.

Often, individuals with these types of problems have trouble with planning and with organization. If this is a persistent problem, a psychological evaluation that might include neuropsychological testing may be helpful in determining its source and how best to address it

Postpartum Depression

admin — Sun, 31 Jan 2010 21:27:59 +0000

Postpartum depression is the experience of an extremely unhappy, anxious, and unmotivated state following the birth of a child. Often times the new mother is additionally distressed because as a result of the depression she is unable to “fall in love” with the baby until she is able to recover and this causes additional self-criticism about being a “bad parent” which accentuates the depression.

The onset of this depression seems to be precipitated by the changing hormonal balances in the woman’s body following the birth, and to the usual increased demands for parenting work required of a woman who has just undergone the very strenuous experience of giving birth. When a woman becomes this physically depressed, the chemistry of the brain is affected in such a way that she is unable to think clearly, reassure herself, or reason her way out of the depression.

The depression actually erodes her capacity to cope with the depression and the situation. Usually, a combination of medical intervention, therapy, reassurance and support will allow her to make a complete recovery, fall in love with the new baby, and return to a much happier state.

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

admin — Sun, 31 Jan 2010 21:26:42 +0000

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) sometimes follows a very dangerous or life-threatening event that a person experienced or witnessed. Combat, assault, car accidents, and natural disasters are examples of potentially traumatic events that may result in PTSD. Following the incident, a person may re-experience the event in intrusive, distressing ways; for example, through dreams, flashbacks, or unwanted thoughts about the event. Also, attempts are made to avoid stimuli associated with the trauma, and people with PTSD often experience a general numbing, such as feelings of detachment from others, loss of interest in activities, and difficulty experiencing certain feelings, such as happiness.

Finally, people with PTSD often have symptoms of extreme arousal, such as startling easily, trouble sleeping and concentrating, and angry outbursts.